Nearer my God to thee.

Following a harrowing day in the office during which you, in passing, wondered whether the rafters in your garage would be able to hold your swinging mortal shell suspended from a length of rope, you spend the next hour on your commute behind five cars traveling in a "five under the speed limit" clusterfeck. After providing several fiftysomething women with the opportunity to gaze upon highly suggestive and incredibly offensive Italian hand gestures, you guide your American-made piece of shet into your driveway and finally broach the sanctity of your home, happily kicking off the lazy-man slip-on shoes girding your reeking man-feet in the semidarkness of twilight.

It is at this time that you step quite firmly into something wet, yet also curiously tacky.

The "liquid" begins to soak through your sock and seeps into the spaces between your toes, which have begun to curl unconsciously in mute horror. The part of you that hopes and dreams that what you are stepping in is not pet effluent dies, is quietly interred and lies stinking in the ground. From somewhere in the darkened house, you hear the telltale sound of a plastic eye rapping rhythmically against the hardwood floor as the other pet brings himself to feral climax atop a stuffed squid; the pet from whose bladder sprang the bitchin' righteousness you've trodden upon is cowering in the back corner of his pet-bed, stock still, hoping against hope that The Big Mean Bearded One has visual acuity based on motion.

As the sock in question is peeled from your piss-soaked foot, you continue to move into the kitchen, where the larger pet's shet cairn holds court under the kitchen table. Composed of about nine carefully extruded nuggets, the cairn is surrounded by yet more decaying urea. Helpfully, this particular deposit has traveled downhill and has broached the laundry room's borders, bringing the total number of rooms that will require sterilization to three. Upon closer inspection of the room, your eyes can't help but to train to the vicinity of the litterbox, where a smaller, yet equally impressively extruded, shet cairn produced by the other pet rankly entreaties for your attention.

Given this information, which product(s) should be made from these pets?

a) A smallish drum of Elmer's glue.
b) Low-cost, high nitrogen garden fertilizer.
c) A medium-sized pair of moccasins, replete with tiny fringes around the edge.
d) Shark chum for National Geographic cage divers.
e) All of the above.

Until later, I remain,

Domonic (no,really,Iamtotallyreadytorendertheircarcasses) Potorti