Look what your God has done to me - again.

Last Friday afternoon I sat myself down over my lunch hour (lunch: Sheep medulla with a creamy snot-rocket glaze) and decided that I would write out a shopping list so that I wouldn't, um, do what I usually do and just wander around Target like a Bedouin for hours on end. After several minutes of careful contemplation I had managed to produce what I am forced to assume is

The Most Depressing Shopping List Ever.

It wasn't intentionally created to be as such, but while evaluating the reasoning behind each potential purchase I found myself reaching for a Valium and a hearty gin chaser.

1. Corn cat litter. Why corn, you ask? Well, let's see. My cat cannot use clay-based litter because it causes his FELINE ASTHMA to flare up. That means that ninety-five percent of commercially-available litters are out. THEN, he refuses to use the pine litter and the reconstituted newspaper litter, the weird crystal stuff is $18 a box and I refuse to buy it and finally, the wheat litter does nothing to absorb the smell of catpiss, causing our home to reek like a hobo's undercarriage in July. The corn litter is - and this is fantastic! - only to be found in ONE local store and they appear to not be restocking. When they sell out I will just have to leave the little bastard out in the field where I saw that gaily-colored Romany wagon last week. This is entirely beside the fact that I find it amusing and fairly ironic that I, who love the corn dearly, an forced to allow my cat to ceaselessly defecate on it.
2. Nose-hair trimmer. I'm not sure how this happens, but every couple of weeks I'll be looking in the mirror and I will notice what I assume to be an errant moustache whisker. When I go to yank it out, I - based entirely on nearly-unbearable white-hot pains from within my nostril - come to discover that it is, indeed, a tendril - nay, a tentacle - of nosehair that had begun the migration south.
3. Healthy Choice microwave lunches. This is because I am - and let's be frank here - beginning to attract the attention of rusty Norwegian and Japanese harpoon-vessels.
4. A paper shredder. Nothing says "entry into that really dull stage of your adulthood" like firmly believing that you should shred all of the paper that comes out of your home. Before you know it I'll be eating oatmeal to lower my cholesterol and wearing pressure hose.
5. The sixth season of The Golden Girls. Depressing for two reasons: one, it's not out yet and two... well, yeah.
6. Sanitary napkins. See above.

I'm secure enough with myself to purchase The Golden Girls on DVD. Yes I am.

Oh, hold on, someone's making me a mimosa - be right back.

***

Until later, I remain,

Domonic