Today, the Maine Bureau for Somethingorother came forth with the official number of persons murdered in the Pine Tree State for 2004.
Nineteen.
Nineteen people were murdered in THE ENTIRE STATE OF MAINE IN 2004. This is the highest number recorded in Maine's history.
Places Rated Almanac rated Bangor, Maine, as the third safest community to live in in the United States. So, because you are all cruel, you are thinking:
1) Since there are, like, fifty people who live in Maine, isn't that a terrifying statistic rather than a comforting one?
2) Aren't y'all too busy gutting moose and rubbing frostbite off to kill?
3) Maine? Isn't that near Boston somewhere?
Of course, the number of people lost to the undead and to Paul Bunyan's murderous rage--and, we can't forget about the clown--well, that number goes unreported. For good reason: Maine is Vacationland! 1/4 of our state's revenue! Don't go out after dusk!
The new year is rapidly approaching, and I would be lying through my pointy teeth if I said that I wasn't ready to be utterly quit of 2004. It's been a nasty, bitter year for the Dom-ster. I've been formulating my New Year's resolutions for quite some time. I have, in past years, thought that New Year's resolutions were hokey wastes of my precious, albeit bizarre, time. One, and only one of these will be the Big Winner!
I resolve to not laugh when nuns trip on ice.
I resolve to no longer ask for "extra gravy" when I order...uh... gravy.
I resolve to stop spending so much of my paycheck on grain alcohol.
I resolve to no longer support the 2008 Genocides with financial donations.
I resolve to spend more time with my friends/loved ones and balance my life more.
My bet's on the nun one.
This morning I woke up and ate my favorite fatty treat: bacon. Mmmm... greasy, fatty shards of pork...
Have a great night, Bangor.
Dom
2 comments:
I was reviewing all of the latest local crimes in Maine and this one is shocking!!
SYMBOL SWIPED — Greenville is a buzz over the disappearance of one of its better known icons, a 5-foot-tall wooden representation of Smokey Bear, which for years has stood guard, shovel in paw, outside the Maine Forest Service headquarters. Police said the kidnapping makes no sense unless a ransom note shows up. "You can't exactly put him on your lawn," observed one officer. "It's like the Mona Lisa." Smile, Smokey.
Dom, put the damn wooden statue back before you get caught!!
"The Onion" is halarious.
The last time I checked, a place in Wisconsin was the safest place to live. ...Not sure, but still I know they have Maine beat in Cranberries!!!
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